Download Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler PDF

By Chelsea Handler

THE EAGERLY AWAITED choice of own ESSAYS FROM THE BESTSELLING writer OF MY HORIZONTAL lifestyles

whilst Chelsea Handler must get a number of issues off her chest, she appeals to the next energy -- vodka. you will too in the event you discovered that your boyfriend was once having an affair with a Peekapoo or if you happen to needed to fake to be honeymooning together with your father so that it will improve to first-class. Welcome to Chelsea's global -- a spot the place absurdity reigns splendid and a brief wit is the simplest defensive position.
during this hilarious, deliciously skewed assortment, Chelsea mines her earlier for tales approximately her relations, relationships, and occupation which are right away singular and ridiculous. no matter if she's convincing her third-grade category that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter within the sequel to Private Benjamin, determining to be extra egalitarian via relationship a redhead, or looking for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little one that seems to be similar to her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for buying herself into the main outrageous events. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and impossible to resist turns of word that experience made her one of many most up to date voices in comedy this present day.

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Extra info for Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Sample text

For the first time, I was excited to go to school instead of dreading it the whole way there. With that wave of confidence came the feeling that I was, in a way, impenetrable. I was the same exact person I had been the day before, but now I was being treated better and the older kids wanted to be friends with me. It didn’t matter if I was in a movie or not, I had made these people laugh when they asked me questions. I had found myself engaging, charismatic—even sublime at times. I had all the charm I believed a true movie star to have.

James was her fourteen-year-old and I half expected him to be in a crib, but instead he was sitting on the living room floor playing Nintendo. I sized him up and figured we were about the same size, although it looked like he had a bit more lean muscle mass than I did, which would give him the advantage if it came down to a tug-of-war. “He loves those video games,” she said, shaking her head. “Kids,” I said, shaking my head in unison. I wanted Susan to think we were totally in sync, even though it was becoming very obvious that Susan needed to be under psychiatric supervision.

I looked at the broken window and wondered what I was going to tell his parents. I didn’t even care. I just wanted to go home. I thought about my sister Sloane and how she would have handled this situation…Sloane would never have been in this situation, because she was about as much fun as a cold sore, and would have never allowed anyone to eat an entire tub each of ice cream and frozen yogurt, even if it wasn’t intentional. Then James picked up one of the tubs, tossed it on the floor, and eyed me like a piece of meat.

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